Wednesday, June 20, 2012

Beacon In The Fog

I am very long overdue for some blog posts.  To be honest, it has been a combination of laziness and insecurity.  I suppose this may sound silly but I feel like I’ve forgotten how to write.  My life is not so glamorous that I have something profoundly fascinating to post about regularly.  I need to get over that notion though.  People write all the time about their lives and they are not all captivating or unusual.  It felt like I had lost my voice. I am more comfortable with the written word than I am of the spoken word in regards to how I function.  My husband seems to think I am very natural and ease quickly into situations where I must talk to/introduce myself to new people.  The truth is that crap terrifies me and it is my bizarre coping mechanism to become engaging so I don’t feel like a silent, anti-social oaf.  Conversation in the flesh is such a dance of appearance, manners, and calculated replies in the timed moments you are given.  But in writing, I can take the necessary time to ponder, retract, and polish my jumbled thoughts from turning into word vomit.  But maybe this is just in my head.  What I see as a stream of word bile streaming from my mouth is in actuality, perfectly fine.  Insecurity has a way of making you feel a little crazy, you know?

I’ve actually never been better despite the hiatus from the blogosphere.  Sure, there are still those bleak days that sneak up on me when bumps in the road appear.  But I don’t sink into the banal muck for as long as I used to and I’m able to cope better.  I don’t really know when that happened either.  There was a break in the clouds and my gray earth sprung to life.  It feels like fingers digging their way through ash until lush verdant vines burst forth to ease me from the oubliette.  I’m far from perfect but the balance is there.  So maybe my voluntary exile was necessary till I could route this faulty wiring in my head into a more functional form.

I’ve never been happier.  See you soon, there’s a lot to catch up on since we last spoke.

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