Tuesday, July 21, 2009

Sensory Overload

I'm not doing well. (Which is probably no surprise to some who read this.) I'm trying my best to find a job somewhere else, I've already sent out a few applications and resumes. Today is not a good day for me in regards to how I feel though. I am detached and melancholy. There's just too much for me to handle mentally right now. Do you know how hard it is for me to drag myself out of bed everyday, knowing I have to go into the office? I'm ashamed that all I want to do is disappear and not wake up again. It is so selfish and cruel of me. I know there would be those grieved at my loss. All the time I'm spending on trying to find a job seems like it is all in vain and that I will never get away from this current employment situation.

I used to like my job. I was nearly considering being here for the long haul till I didn't need to work at all anymore. I was working so hard with the Data Integrity group on expanding the scope of our jobs while keeping it relevant to data and storage. Yet now upper management is forcing us to answer the phone for Tier One Operations and open their bloody trouble tickets. I have never elicited a desire to answer phones most of the day for a living and be utterly used by 'the-powers-that-be'. What if I told you I worked a 15 hr. shift recently? What if I told you a worked a pair of 12 hr. shifts over the weekend? This is all fallout of ignorant management that did not listen to its staff who work the floor everyday. These are the fruits of keeping a full time associate who is not flexible and has zero consideration for what it means to be apart of a team. Again, management is giving us lip service and spouting their nonsensical ideas to remedy the situation. They expect us to be able to have the Print and Distribution team's part time staff fill in whe nwe need it. The failing in this plot is the fact that their director whom I will affectionately call the 'The Hag' will not spare them but a day or so a week. Clearly, more training time is necessary so that the information stays with them. Of course that does not address real issue which is will they remember how to do it when time comes for them to fill in on a shift alone in the future? What the T1 Director hasn't taken into consideration is the fact that the P&D team's part timers are not flexible either as most of them already work a full time job or can only work so many hours for various reasons. In the end, this will not work which is why I am trying to get out of here before the major catastrophe happens. All events are leading to something unpleasant and I do not want to be the one left to pick up the pieces. Again.

To add fecal frosting to my manure cupcake, my grandmother had heart surgery the day I was stuck working a 15 hr. shift and I've been working everyday since then, swapping between 8 hr. and 12 hr. shifts. Dad spoke to her and my Aunt Sylvia yesterday. He related to me that she is not doing very well with recovery because of being 79 years old. She's over an hour and a half away in a hospital and we do not know when she will come home. When she does come home, plans will be put into motion that will lead to her eventual permanent relocation to Florida with my Aunt Sylvia. I'm not sure how I feel about this completely. On one hand, I am glad she will have someone with her most of the time but would that mean we would see even less of Sylvia now?

I don't think the clouds will go away, they're just getting darker and thicker. Perhaps I am just a fool in the end; a fool the dared to dream of something better and a life where troubles could be solved.

Friday, July 17, 2009


I have nothing left to give. My heart is crushed and I've stopped caring period. When I get up everyday I work, I cry. When I lie down at night, I cry. When I come home and crawl into bed, I cry. I hate my job more then a person should but it is justified. I'm working all kinds of crazy hours now which means no real sleep. And no days off till the end of next week. Naturally my boss is useless on all fronts. They ask too much of me and they see bothing wrong with that. I'm definitely feeling it physically.

I want to quit so badly but I bear the burden of our bills. Finding a new job, is proving to be very hard too. I'm stretched too thin and snapping like a worn rubber band. It taints every aspect of my life because I know there's no resolution in sight. I will always be expected to drop what I'm doing and fill in wherever, even if it's a +12 hr. shift. I am stuck at this nightmare indefinitely because we cannot afford a period without a paycheck.

I'm bitter, angry, and deeply depressed. I know I'm shutting down and growing despondant however, the sad part is that I really don't care. I see no light at the end of the tunnel; it's too far away. Too far for me to travel...

I think I finally understand how people simply die from tremendous sadness or grief.


"Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well. I do it so it feels like hell. I do it so it feels real. I guess you could say I've a call. "
-Sylvia Plath

Wednesday, July 8, 2009

Why People Suck

I don't know why I bother looking at the news anymore. My faith in humanity is rapidly diminishing. If it isn't riots in distant countries, it's some sick individual committing some heinous act. Read this if you have the constitution.

I am an animal rights activist; a reasonable one that isn't a scary PETA member. To me, that man's moral compass and rationale indicate an individual that has some serious latent mental issues. It isn't that I care for animals more then people but animals do not have a voice to cry out. They are the weaker species on this planet in most regards. We're supposed to be the intelligent mammal on planet earth and yet most regard wildlife as a nuisance in the way of modern progression or expendable commodity. As the more intelligent lifeform, it should be our duty to be their defender and voice when they need it.

This scumbag got off light which makes me angry. If it had been children, the charges would have been murder so I guess we should be glad he didn't have children preventing him from going on his little cruise. I could not forgive somebody who thinks so little about the life of others, no matter how small they are.

Saturday, July 4, 2009

Nightmares FTL..

I dreamt Andy and I were in an open relationdhip last night. "Open" meaning that he found it acceptable to be with other people while I was utterly opposed to it. I saw him kiss another a girl in my dream; kiss her and hold her like when he is with me. I physically turned my head in the dream to not see anymore because it felt like somebody had just crushed my heart in their fist. I thought I was going to be sick.

I woke up on the brink of tears this morning, my insecurities rearing their ugly head. My poor husband being stuck with me and my psychosis. I was pretty much late for work this morning because I laid cuddled up with him, trying to wipe away the soul-crushing dream that had infected my brain.

So I must reiterate NIGHTMARES FOR THE LOSE!