tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-56625282803948093042024-03-05T03:17:25.575-05:00Dreams In DigitalOne sleepless girl's portal into dreaming.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.comBlogger53125tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-7408231866635107592013-01-11T01:35:00.002-05:002013-01-11T01:35:46.536-05:00Train WreckI'm a little too wonky to write a long narrative. Currently, I have a front row seat to my parents' potential financial ruin and my anxiety is at an all time high because of it. Mom could very well lose her job in a few months (Shout out to Marriott International being a-holes who rehired Mitt Romney. The man who loves outsourcing!) and my father is still without a job, despite his constant looking and applying. I am utterly powerless and my heart is breaking, piece by piece.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-72115801290840048812012-06-25T18:12:00.002-04:002012-06-25T18:12:08.831-04:00The Kitchen BluesMaybe this should be cross posted on my cooking blog but I just needed a few minutes to vent over my domesticity. Lately I am growing really weary of incredibly complex meals that involve a moderate amount of prep. I am just tired of cooking regularly I believe. I have realized I will never be one of those homegrown, "make everything from scratch" people. I feel like I can spend time doing other things I enjoy more than cooking. The problem is cooking has become a chore so I can't quite find the joy in it anymore. Hopefully this is only temporary.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-76694279288972969592012-06-21T14:53:00.000-04:002012-06-21T14:53:10.127-04:00Rough SeasSome of the underlying stress gnawing at the back of my mind had been my Dad’s unemployment. To make a long story short in regards to that, do not work for the federal government and department of defense as a civilian. As an animal caretaker, you will be worked to the bone because it is consistently short staffed and the army simply can’t tell scientists “NO” when they want to run more studies that involve even more animals for testing. To add more insult to injury, he was told his contract maybe terminated early due to being a “medical liability”. Now my Dad is no spring chicken but he isn’t feeble either. Last year happened to be a very bad year for him health-wise. He got slammed with a kidney infection and had heart issues that took time for the cardiologist to diagnose. Once that had all been handled, he felt better but their doctors still restricted him. While he had been out for the kidney infection, they had given all of his work to the newly hired caretakers and some other co-workers. They did not give him his normal work back because “everybody liked where they were.“ They literally just stuffed him wherever, whenever because they now didn’t have anything for him to do. Getting near the end, it became more and more apparent that they were trying to get rid of him. Maybe that was just my Dad’s experience at the local army base but who knows?<br /><br />So for months, they barely survived on my mother’s income and had no insurance. We had to help them out quite a bit financially but we were happy to help. My Mom on the other hand did not make this situation any better by acting like a petulant child the majority of the time because there was no money to spend on frivolous things or tons of junk food. All she could do was berate my father even though he looked for jobs everyday and applied wherever he could. He didn’t qualify for unemployment either. Mom complained endlessly that he did “nothing” when he done EVERYTHING around the house and then some! For 31 years, my Dad carried the burden of bringing home the most income and being in charge of the budget, making sure everything was paid. But he bore her verbal abuse. My brother and I on the other hand, just wanted my mother to go away. Finally last month he got a better job. It’s less pay but it is still more income a month. So now my Mom acts all nice as pie which disgusts me. <br /><br />I know someone reading this is probably going “But she is your mother.” Yeah, what of it? My Mom suffers from depression and likes to not take her medicine so she can unleash her cruelty on those closest to her. Plus, we are very different people. If she wasn’t my Mom, I’m not sure I’d know her at all. She has been selfish, mean, and thoughtless in a lot of her actions over the years. As a child and teenager, I was scared of her. For example, I’d hide in my bathroom downstairs when her footsteps would be heard coming down the basement stairs because I never knew what snide remark she was going to hurl my way. I was sixteen years old and HIDING in the bathroom. She’s simply not the reliable or stable parent. I didn’t trust her and part of me today still doesn’t trust her! It’s disturbing how she turns on this sweet motherly façade to co-workers and some of her relatives. It wasn’t all bad though, growing up with my Mom. There were some good moments and things are better today since I am an adult who no longer lives under the same roof as her. I’d say my relationship with her now is more normal but there’s no mother-daughter bond that cheesy hallmark cards are written about. And she knows that. Mom knows I have a stronger bond with my Dad, we’re two peas in a pod. We’re so similar. In “Pride and Prejudice” parlance, we are Elizabeth Bennett and Mr. Bennett.<br /><br />But I have utterly digressed. My folks are getting back on track again and will start making payments for the money we have loaned them. That constant worry over their welfare is no more.<br />Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-78396643135272325472012-06-20T21:16:00.000-04:002012-06-20T21:16:09.997-04:00Beacon In The FogI am very long overdue for some blog posts. To be honest, it has been a combination of laziness and insecurity. I suppose this may sound silly but I feel like I’ve forgotten how to write. My life is not so glamorous that I have something profoundly fascinating to post about regularly. I need to get over that notion though. People write all the time about their lives and they are not all captivating or unusual. It felt like I had lost my voice. I am more comfortable with the written word than I am of the spoken word in regards to how I function. My husband seems to think I am very natural and ease quickly into situations where I must talk to/introduce myself to new people. The truth is that crap terrifies me and it is my bizarre coping mechanism to become engaging so I don’t feel like a silent, anti-social oaf. Conversation in the flesh is such a dance of appearance, manners, and calculated replies in the timed moments you are given. But in writing, I can take the necessary time to ponder, retract, and polish my jumbled thoughts from turning into word vomit. But maybe this is just in my head. What I see as a stream of word bile streaming from my mouth is in actuality, perfectly fine. Insecurity has a way of making you feel a little crazy, you know?<br /><br />I’ve actually never been better despite the hiatus from the blogosphere. Sure, there are still those bleak days that sneak up on me when bumps in the road appear. But I don’t sink into the banal muck for as long as I used to and I’m able to cope better. I don’t really know when that happened either. There was a break in the clouds and my gray earth sprung to life. It feels like fingers digging their way through ash until lush verdant vines burst forth to ease me from the oubliette. I’m far from perfect but the balance is there. So maybe my voluntary exile was necessary till I could route this faulty wiring in my head into a more functional form. <br /><br />I’ve never been happier. See you soon, there’s a lot to catch up on since we last spoke.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-8815677470771040442012-06-20T21:10:00.002-04:002012-06-20T21:10:54.352-04:00Rainbow Brite [Complete]<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
<a href="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-01SkF32mV-0/Tnp2DFRGUZI/AAAAAAAAAcY/gS0h2KX15pA/s1600/IMG_0452.JPG" imageanchor="1" style="margin-left: 1em; margin-right: 1em;"><img border="0" height="320" src="http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-01SkF32mV-0/Tnp2DFRGUZI/AAAAAAAAAcY/gS0h2KX15pA/s320/IMG_0452.JPG" width="213" /></a></div>
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I finished her ages ago and never got around to posting it here. I don't care if these cartoons were just corporate ploys to sell toys. I loved Rainbow Brite with every fiber of my being as a little girl.<br />Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-28114478615308425932011-08-18T12:37:00.002-04:002011-08-18T12:40:14.924-04:00Color The World<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-WF4xIPIxawg/Tk08p86zByI/AAAAAAAAAbg/PeSg8F3hyvY/s800/IMG_0449.JPG"><img style="float: left; margin: 0pt 10px 10px 0pt; cursor: pointer; width: 587px; height: 391px;" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-WF4xIPIxawg/Tk08p86zByI/AAAAAAAAAbg/PeSg8F3hyvY/s800/IMG_0449.JPG" alt="" border="0" /></a>
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<br />A sneak peek of Rainbow Brite before completion.
<br />Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-33331700030103877552011-08-18T12:28:00.005-04:002011-08-18T12:36:52.923-04:00Love Story<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-s7tHuBEznek/Tk08qKzaQII/AAAAAAAAAbk/iMGH4syVid4/s800/IMG_0447.JPG"><img style="display: block; margin: 0px auto 10px; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 537px; height: 358px;" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-s7tHuBEznek/Tk08qKzaQII/AAAAAAAAAbk/iMGH4syVid4/s800/IMG_0447.JPG" alt="" border="0" /></a>
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<br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-a7pqmCYko7Y/Tk08pH8qyrI/AAAAAAAAAbc/uPuXmUmWwBU/s576/IMG_0446.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 384px; height: 576px;" src="https://lh4.googleusercontent.com/-a7pqmCYko7Y/Tk08pH8qyrI/AAAAAAAAAbc/uPuXmUmWwBU/s576/IMG_0446.JPG" alt="" border="0" /></a>
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<br />My parents celebrate their 31st wedding anniversary tomorrow. So I put this together for them. I think it turned out well.
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<br />Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-7653131768598822432011-06-22T14:25:00.003-04:002011-06-22T14:29:01.842-04:00JaneThis is one of Jane's favorite places much to Andy's dismay.<br /><br /><a href="https://picasaweb.google.com/lh/photo/pnddA9cFyzq4TdspnxrP40bB1iNRUmL8Xiyx8Lxdj_0?feat=embedwebsite"><img src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEjyGlo6uZKiTTwjaQcH3L7SdjRG_B0jnZy2P8cnBo6UcBhk5e3xXcuHC6PhvCGERb_PMeMa58ai7WhP5Rb82K7pErWrPLgXS8p0i7z9JdJqBgRAeyj83QTKBgeQW_WwR1d0Ba4DCwBW-0zZ/s400/IMG_0219.JPG" height="267" width="400" /></a>Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-15376601297872127472011-04-25T18:19:00.001-04:002011-04-25T18:20:51.260-04:00KayleeMy poor baby girl has not adjusted well to Jane and Austen's presence.<br /><br /><a href="http://goo.gl/photos/fJACllsY2v" imageanchor="1" style="clear:right;margin-bottom:1em;margin-left:1em"><img border="0" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiHRT4DZXtJRKkQltYbcdWv1RuSY_fyYwhzU7vYkvrlmNsx9_kl6t0Q3YbJbGKIGWYPwh34j4vhH7XukQ1a66ZQmOxzinBx7-qZ8H1Gzx8HsA4TrO9zaRLd80VVMvMGbWIju1Uv2eQ3bH87/s512/IMG_0185.JPG"></a>Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-59981441308418243212011-02-18T07:47:00.002-05:002011-02-18T07:53:54.575-05:00As We Know It..I have come to the conclusion that I am not very good at keeping a consistent blog. :D<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">November '10</span><br /><br />This month was really a blur even though I thought it would never end. It was the countdown till the closing on our house so there was a never-ending trail of papers that needed to be signed and/or faxed for the loan officer. The idea of finally getting out of the terrible apartment situation seemed completely unreal. Things seemed to be getting worse and worse at Overlook Apartments with disrespectful neighbors and the constant bed bug spraying. From the last week of September till like the first week of November, my cats had to be removed from the place every week for an entire day. Thankfully, my parents are awesome and avid cat lovers so they were great with letting them hang out there till it was safe for them to go back home. It could have been pretty costly if we had to place them in a kennel each week.<br /><br />Other than the crazy pre-house shuffle of packing, we did do some fun stuff. My relatives from Florida came in the week of Thanksgiving which was great so we spent some time with them on the weekend. Thanksgiving day was split between the in-laws, Andy's grandparents, and my parents. Perhaps it was not a good idea to do both houses in one day but I did not learn my lesson.<br /><br /><span style="font-weight:bold;">December '10</span><br /><br />The month started off with us closing on the house. (YAY!) However when we were moving our things to the house our friend rear-ended the packed moving track we were driving. Nobody was hurt but Grayson's car was totaled. He had that car for 10 or 12 years. He was very attached. We felt so bad. <br /><br />It was a very busy month unpacking but we did head to the in-laws and my parents on Christmas Day. On Christmas Eve, Andy and I drove around the rural country community I grew up in and through historic downtown Frederick to look at the lights. We managed to get the house mostly together to throw the annual New Year's Eve party for our friends. That was a blast. <br /><span style="font-weight:bold;"><br />January '11</span><br /><br />So now we are caught up to 2011. While the house is mostly put together, I haven't put my pretty objects back up on the walls or shelves yet. The office and bedroom is in dire need of organization but I'm getting to it. The upstairs bathroom is currently not usable because Andy had to rip down the shower wall due to moisture getting in behind the tile. He also took down the lame sliding door system that was too short because he'd hit his head while ducking out of it or the water would spray over the top. The bathroom smelled so bad from mildew that had been growing behind the shower wall. (This is one of those times where I am thankful we are a two full bath house.) It is taking longer than we had anticipated though. I think we may have hit the wall finally where we need a plumber. We bought nice new fixtures to install before we put up the last cement board but new fixtures are more complex, larger even. The original 20 year old fixture installation was smaller and pretty much bare bones. In short, the water pipes need to be moved back to accommodate the new fixtures. Once the fixtures are installed, that last cement board can go up.<br /><br />A proper entry is to come that doesn't read like a summary. :)Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-62305687865273491632010-05-23T19:53:00.001-04:002010-05-23T19:56:57.516-04:00The Waterlily Fairy<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_-rsp-YpodACZfPU8QnLqUPeingmZ2MhceN97G6qv0dBD3oxYKVYhxOEYTOSxOQ-temV378DxeO0YMiEmn1HwT2iy5sGRn567J2RTn4QgxhNVbP7Tse54Pmn2EWQY6IVeqyGI30lqMdaX/s1600/IMG_9986.JPG"><img style="display:block; margin:0px auto 10px; text-align:center;cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 320px; height: 214px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEi_-rsp-YpodACZfPU8QnLqUPeingmZ2MhceN97G6qv0dBD3oxYKVYhxOEYTOSxOQ-temV378DxeO0YMiEmn1HwT2iy5sGRn567J2RTn4QgxhNVbP7Tse54Pmn2EWQY6IVeqyGI30lqMdaX/s320/IMG_9986.JPG" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5474618598428081138" /></a><br />She is complete. Woo!Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-27489495638243946792010-03-17T17:49:00.001-04:002010-03-17T17:50:35.322-04:00To FeelI am Jill's sigh of relief.<br />I am Jill's breath of hope.<br />I am Jill's delicious smile.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-75346609530755436312010-03-15T20:17:00.001-04:002010-03-15T20:18:37.211-04:00FeelI am Jack's unbridled anger.<br />I am Jack's lament of hopelessness.<br />I am Jack's hatred of mediocrity.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-54015307675429247372010-03-10T23:46:00.005-05:002010-03-10T23:50:52.469-05:00Buttercup PrincessAnother completed project with crappy pictures! :D<br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqjmpRo55pYpgOS6NpZR_BHOsvKRK9_xHDyPY0IkcYdMw1GoUnIlvN7WhlfMAOQbMQ4bhcNiRfJaT5-qKPg2d2sHMk8_IqyssCvHGmz0Z6QMpa56_nvIk_QbIPGAett-wCpHlqI-5VWg6Z/s1600-h/Snapshot_20100309_2.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhqjmpRo55pYpgOS6NpZR_BHOsvKRK9_xHDyPY0IkcYdMw1GoUnIlvN7WhlfMAOQbMQ4bhcNiRfJaT5-qKPg2d2sHMk8_IqyssCvHGmz0Z6QMpa56_nvIk_QbIPGAett-wCpHlqI-5VWg6Z/s320/Snapshot_20100309_2.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5447233951089650674" border="0" /></a><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMND9O9x1ba9gQA96MUKCyXOzs5b_2D9Mb6rtWT83CYey_SnwPfS3tAlDvDkdld7ft2OmjfrKdXlDDyRCrO6YdBfVrRIxIjQQ16Ag2XOxgUSQbfA4IWI-CKOVQfGRgLi5ZAcQaLXz1n3hf/s1600-h/Snapshot_20100309.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEgMND9O9x1ba9gQA96MUKCyXOzs5b_2D9Mb6rtWT83CYey_SnwPfS3tAlDvDkdld7ft2OmjfrKdXlDDyRCrO6YdBfVrRIxIjQQ16Ag2XOxgUSQbfA4IWI-CKOVQfGRgLi5ZAcQaLXz1n3hf/s320/Snapshot_20100309.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5447233592643935090" border="0" /></a>Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-6929805366857680392010-02-11T02:28:00.002-05:002010-02-11T03:07:07.247-05:00Late Night ReflectionsIt's 2:30 am and all I hear right now is the roar of the wind outside behind the velvety voice of Imogen Heap drifting out of the speakers. Lately I marvel at how far I've come in my life. I am pleasantly surprised by a lot of things lately. I try not to think of what I've missed because I am moving ever forward. In the darkest corners of my mind rest the old scars and painful memories. However, they are so far away now. They do not ache so much if they cross my mind. It took so long for me to realize how big the world is and how insignificant the rest can be.<br /><br />The older I get, the less tolerance I have for folks who rub me the wrong way. What I mean to say is, I do not waste my compassion, time, and energy on people who would take advantage of me in any shape or form. I maybe a quiet sort of girl but I am always observing others. I like to watch people period. I connect the dots with everything I observe. I'd like to think I've been touched with a bit of preternatural intuition. That is to say I try not to past judgment hastily. (To say I do not judge people would be a lie because that is one of the most human of flaws.) I can be unkind. I have severed friendships in the past. I severed all ties with my ex-boyfriends promptly after the dissolution of their respective relationships. But it was all done from sound judgment and knowing what was best for me as a person. I used to be a doormat for others once upon a time, always giving the benefit of the doubt and not listening to my instincts. I haven't stopped looking for the good in people though. I'm just much more guarded and calculating till I find that I can open up the trust.<br /><br />Well Sonic has commandeered my space because clearly I am not paying enough attention to him. I guess that is all for tonight. As soon as I can sneak away from this cat, I'll make up that Black Bean Salad so it can chill all day before dinner. (It's a recipe Mama Jo has. So delish and I do recommend.)Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-74184582469327429092010-02-06T21:48:00.003-05:002010-02-06T21:53:44.987-05:00The Geisha<a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMnxqOHw5AZK0eXH7YsjQ0N91BUU1f5y7JZZxUprtrS5qTb04p9EIp1cpkQElAAuD7zX-eZVJzmS5KivPIQ2bpehaiRAegdxHtzKx1BHnNgYLzECFb81jk_Yaf6HGx4zhT3A1AflYOqwYy/s1600-h/Snapshot_20100206_10.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiMnxqOHw5AZK0eXH7YsjQ0N91BUU1f5y7JZZxUprtrS5qTb04p9EIp1cpkQElAAuD7zX-eZVJzmS5KivPIQ2bpehaiRAegdxHtzKx1BHnNgYLzECFb81jk_Yaf6HGx4zhT3A1AflYOqwYy/s320/Snapshot_20100206_10.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5435329170946821362" border="0" /></a><br /><br />I finished this piece last year sometime but have yet to wash and frame it. It was my first cross stitch project ever. I thought it turned out well. My plan is to frame it and hang it my living room. Forgive these awful webcam pics but, I didn't feel like running all over the apartment to find the perfect light with the proper camera.<br /><br /><br /><a onblur="try {parent.deselectBloggerImageGracefully();} catch(e) {}" href="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG98MwMZpHk3tVP0Y0qHRo6M3_wI-gbhIAE56NlnERhb2XWPN6fWNsFIuSgI3VJ4OxqAsiyXf48FDEFH2iMQ1_IqAHHSaXjcWlZbiyFJhFaybwzVEeIGKEeb51JOmyGILc97EHJx95KATu/s1600-h/Snapshot_20100206.jpg"><img style="margin: 0px auto 10px; display: block; text-align: center; cursor: pointer; width: 320px; height: 240px;" src="https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEiG98MwMZpHk3tVP0Y0qHRo6M3_wI-gbhIAE56NlnERhb2XWPN6fWNsFIuSgI3VJ4OxqAsiyXf48FDEFH2iMQ1_IqAHHSaXjcWlZbiyFJhFaybwzVEeIGKEeb51JOmyGILc97EHJx95KATu/s320/Snapshot_20100206.jpg" alt="" id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5435329022461410370" border="0" /></a>Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-86796630630503434282009-10-02T10:04:00.000-04:002009-10-02T10:06:04.026-04:00Half LifeIt’s exhausting putting on smiles when all you want to do is curl up in a dark place. I could barely keep it together when we pulled up at the office this morning. I felt the tears brewing behind my eyes and all I wanted to do was sob. I know Andy feels helpless and I try to keep the despair from him. Sometimes I can keep it away from him and suppress the sadness into the furthest corners of my mind. But lately I just cannot push it away. Part of me just wants to sink into the infinite blackness of it and not return so I don’t have to see that look in Andy’s eyes when he feels helpless. Or so I don’t have to hear the raised concern in my brother’s voice, knowing he has shared my grief with my parents and their own inability to really help. I don’t want my pain to be their pain.<br /><br />This should be a happy time. Autumn is my favorite season. After all it has my favorite Sabbat, Samhain. I should have had time to head to the Renaissance Festival but, due to the craziness that is my horrible job, I will miss out on it again this year. I will also miss out on one of my other favorite seasonal events, Frederick’s “In The Streets” because of my job. I should be lucky I managed to not miss Octoberfest this year of the Frederick Fair. I’m not a “Summer” kind of person, I’m not into a lot of those kind of events so I didn’t care if I worked too much then. I just hate hearing people say “There’s always next year” because “next year” is never guaranteed. Hell, tomorrow is not guaranteed. I’ve experienced too much in the way of sudden deaths this year to take much for granted just to cater to a faceless company that only cares about the bottom line and how much I can be exploited to further the green lining their pockets.<br /><br />I see it now in my family. I see the years catching up to them, I can fully grasp that they are middle aged. I am nearly the age my mother was when she gave birth to my brother, if that is any kind of perspective for people out there. My baby brother is no longer a baby by any standards, he is turning 20. He’s an adult with a child’s innocence because he simply cannot handle dealing with the outside world. I love my family more than words can express and the people I love are perhaps my greatest weakness because I would suffer the most terrible torment for those I love. Of course that sentiment extends to my own little family that consists of my darling husband too. (I’d probably do anything for my sweet kitty-faces too. Kaylee and Sonic are my little loves no matter how many hairballs I find deposited around my house.) <br /><br />I see my world changing. I see society breaking down and I wonder if this is what Rome was like as it collapsed. People wielding their religious beliefs like a weapon, slaughtering each other in the name of god and their so called “true” way. People using their religion as a tool to manipulate and dictate to the masses, to steal freedom and close minds to a changing world. Fractured countries impose their corrupt democracy on others where life was already on a knife’s edge. There’s so much banality and little good left in anything. Is there anything left pure? From where I am standing, I say no. I am gifted or cursed to see things from all angles. <br /><br />I am incredibly melancholy but I guess I will just continue to wear my smile till I can’t anymore.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-38323787336678434602009-08-23T17:25:00.002-04:002009-08-23T17:41:03.330-04:00JoygasmI was puttering around online, letting curiosity take me where it may. By a twist of fate, I ended up at the Kennedy Center and Academy of Music websites. Guess what I found?<br /><br /><strong>The Kennedy Center (Washington, DC)</strong><br /><em>A Streetcar Named Desire</em><br />Starring CATE BLANCHETT (gasp!) as Blanche DuBois. I nearly bounced out of my office chair.<br />Oct. 29, 2009-Nov. 21, 2009<br /><br /><strong>The Academy of Music (Philadelphia, PA)</strong><br /><em>Chicago</em><br />Starring Jerry Springer as Billy Flynn which perplexes and fascinates me all in one motion. I adore Chicago but I don't know about this..<br />Sept. 15, 2009 - Sept. 20, 2009<br /><br /><em>Mamma Mia!</em><br />So I totally squealed when I read this.<br />Nov. 3, 2009 - Nov. 8, 2009<br /><br /><em>Wicked</em><br />I made the "Oh" face when I read this one.<br />Jan 6, 2010 - Jan. 24, 2010<br /><br />I must go to at least 2 of these shows so I shall feel complete.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-32572238621882628102009-07-21T17:26:00.002-04:002009-07-21T18:11:37.550-04:00Sensory OverloadI'm not doing well. (Which is probably no surprise to some who read this.) I'm trying my best to find a job somewhere else, I've already sent out a few applications and resumes. Today is not a good day for me in regards to how I feel though. I am detached and melancholy. There's just too much for me to handle mentally right now. Do you know how hard it is for me to drag myself out of bed everyday, knowing I have to go into the office? I'm ashamed that all I want to do is disappear and not wake up again. It is so selfish and cruel of me. I know there would be those grieved at my loss. All the time I'm spending on trying to find a job seems like it is all in vain and that I will never get away from this current employment situation.<br /><br />I used to like my job. I was nearly considering being here for the long haul till I didn't need to work at all anymore. I was working so hard with the Data Integrity group on expanding the scope of our jobs while keeping it relevant to data and storage. Yet now upper management is forcing us to answer the phone for Tier One Operations and open their bloody trouble tickets. I have never elicited a desire to answer phones most of the day for a living and be utterly used by 'the-powers-that-be'. What if I told you I worked a 15 hr. shift recently? What if I told you a worked a pair of 12 hr. shifts over the weekend? This is all fallout of ignorant management that did not listen to its staff who work the floor everyday. These are the fruits of keeping a full time associate who is not flexible and has zero consideration for what it means to be apart of a team. Again, management is giving us lip service and spouting their nonsensical ideas to remedy the situation. They expect us to be able to have the Print and Distribution team's part time staff fill in whe nwe need it. The failing in this plot is the fact that their director whom I will affectionately call the 'The Hag' will not spare them but a day or so a week. Clearly, more training time is necessary so that the information stays with them. Of course that does not address real issue which is will they remember how to do it when time comes for them to fill in on a shift alone in the future? What the T1 Director hasn't taken into consideration is the fact that the P&D team's part timers are not flexible either as most of them already work a full time job or can only work so many hours for various reasons. In the end, this will not work which is why I am trying to get out of here before the major catastrophe happens. All events are leading to something unpleasant and I do not want to be the one left to pick up the pieces. Again.<br /><br />To add fecal frosting to my manure cupcake, my grandmother had heart surgery the day I was stuck working a 15 hr. shift and I've been working everyday since then, swapping between 8 hr. and 12 hr. shifts. Dad spoke to her and my Aunt Sylvia yesterday. He related to me that she is not doing very well with recovery because of being 79 years old. She's over an hour and a half away in a hospital and we do not know when she will come home. When she does come home, plans will be put into motion that will lead to her eventual permanent relocation to Florida with my Aunt Sylvia. I'm not sure how I feel about this completely. On one hand, I am glad she will have someone with her most of the time but would that mean we would see even less of Sylvia now?<br /><br />I don't think the clouds will go away, they're just getting darker and thicker. Perhaps I am just a fool in the end; a fool the dared to dream of something better and a life where troubles could be solved.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-25432910407399497482009-07-17T08:08:00.002-04:002009-07-17T08:25:04.693-04:00DeadI have nothing left to give. My heart is crushed and I've stopped caring period. When I get up everyday I work, I cry. When I lie down at night, I cry. When I come home and crawl into bed, I cry. I hate my job more then a person should but it is justified. I'm working all kinds of crazy hours now which means no real sleep. And no days off till the end of next week. Naturally my boss is useless on all fronts. They ask too much of me and they see bothing wrong with that. I'm definitely feeling it physically.<br /><br />I want to quit so badly but I bear the burden of our bills. Finding a new job, is proving to be very hard too. I'm stretched too thin and snapping like a worn rubber band. It taints every aspect of my life because I know there's no resolution in sight. I will always be expected to drop what I'm doing and fill in wherever, even if it's a +12 hr. shift. I am stuck at this nightmare indefinitely because we cannot afford a period without a paycheck.<br /><br />I'm bitter, angry, and deeply depressed. I know I'm shutting down and growing despondant however, the sad part is that I really <em>don't care</em>. I see no light at the end of the tunnel; it's too far away. Too far for me to travel...<br /><br />I think I finally understand how people simply die from tremendous sadness or grief.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-6051320176677707912009-07-17T05:08:00.001-04:002009-07-17T05:09:35.511-04:00Untitled"Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well. I do it so it feels like hell. I do it so it feels real. I guess you could say I've a call. "<br />-Sylvia PlathDenisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-65916920953393935892009-07-08T20:34:00.002-04:002009-07-08T20:47:19.773-04:00Why People SuckI don't know why I bother looking at the news anymore. My faith in humanity is rapidly diminishing. If it isn't riots in distant countries, it's some sick individual committing some heinous act. Read <a href="http://www.cnn.com/2009/CRIME/07/08/firefighter.kills.dogs/index.html">this</a> if you have the constitution.<br /><br />I am an animal rights activist; a reasonable one that isn't a scary PETA member. To me, that man's moral compass and rationale indicate an individual that has some serious latent mental issues. It isn't that I care for animals more then people but animals do not have a voice to cry out. They are the weaker species on this planet in most regards. We're supposed to be the intelligent mammal on planet earth and yet most regard wildlife as a nuisance in the way of modern progression or expendable commodity. As the more intelligent lifeform, it should be our duty to be their defender and voice when they need it.<br /><br />This scumbag got off light which makes me angry. If it had been children, the charges would have been murder so I guess we should be glad he didn't have children preventing him from going on his little cruise. I could not forgive somebody who thinks so little about the life of others, no matter how small they are.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-33714314773154649332009-07-04T09:00:00.004-04:002009-07-05T12:15:38.775-04:00Nightmares FTL..I dreamt Andy and I were in an open relationdhip last night. "Open" meaning that he found it acceptable to be with other people while I was utterly opposed to it. I saw him kiss another a girl in my dream; kiss her and hold her like when he is with me. I physically turned my head in the dream to not see anymore because it felt like somebody had just crushed my heart in their fist. I thought I was going to be sick.<br /><br />I woke up on the brink of tears this morning, my insecurities rearing their ugly head. My poor husband being stuck with me and my psychosis. I was pretty much late for work this morning because I laid cuddled up with him, trying to wipe away the soul-crushing dream that had infected my brain.<br /><br />So I must reiterate NIGHTMARES FOR THE LOSE!Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-92148083922592501272009-06-23T08:57:00.002-04:002009-06-23T09:23:27.218-04:00EnnuiSo the saga of my crapfest job continues. I've already worked myself into an awesome migraine and it is only 9 :00 AM. I'm having a very hard time picturing myself staying here in the long term. I thought if I'd let my anger cool off, I'd feel better about the situation at my job. The first bit of crazy scheduling goes into play in a couple of weeks where it looks like I may have to work some 12 hr. shifts that start at 3 am till 3:30 pm. I don't give a crap about overtime; I really don't. I refuse to be doing this every single time somebody goes on vacation. I will not suffer for their mistakes. My normal schedule is already hell on my body with my Monday-Tuesday turnaround every week. I think sometimes I will only be at peace when I am dead and this whole environment is giving me a fast track to premature oblivion.<br /><br />At home, I'm in a constant struggle with chores and free time. It's all just piling up on me because I am utterly fried from my day spent at the office. I can't do this alone. I'm so scared because I am on a knife's edge and I feel myself beginning to slip. I do not want to even go home at times. It's a testament to my failures, frustrations and weaknesses. I'm so fucking broken and there's no way to piece me back together right now. All of my sanctuaries are disappearing and there's no place to find serenity. I do not have all the answers; I cannot fix this. The answer is not plying me with drugs till I'm numb enough to be a good little doormat, that's for damn sure. <em>This is not what I wanted for my life. I did not want to live each day, hating to get up because I'm not doing something I enjoy.</em> Was this another mistake to add to the long list I've made over the years?Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-5662528280394809304.post-85917143701024618822009-06-06T11:35:00.002-04:002009-06-06T11:45:01.610-04:00Tick Tick TickI just found that my 17 year old cousin in Tampa, Florida passed away suddenly in a car crash on Thursday morning. My beloved Aunt Sylvia called me this morning to break the awful news. She sounded so terrible; I could feel the pain in her words. Grandmas aren't supposed to be losing their grandchildren. His mom, dad, and sister are devastated as well. The whole family is. <br /><br />He was a good kid with a serious passion for music. He was well liked by everybody.<br /><br />R.I.P Travis K. Martin<br /><br />I don't want to really talk about the details; it doesn't seem real. <a href="http://www.tampabay.com/news/publicsafety/accidents/article1007203.ece">Here</a> you will find a news article about it.Denisehttp://www.blogger.com/profile/08538734234688833522noreply@blogger.com1