Ennui

So the saga of my crapfest job continues. I've already worked myself into an awesome migraine and it is only 9 :00 AM. I'm having a very hard time picturing myself staying here in the long term. I thought if I'd let my anger cool off, I'd feel better about the situation at my job. The first bit of crazy scheduling goes into play in a couple of weeks where it looks like I may have to work some 12 hr. shifts that start at 3 am till 3:30 pm. I don't give a crap about overtime; I really don't. I refuse to be doing this every single time somebody goes on vacation. I will not suffer for their mistakes. My normal schedule is already hell on my body with my Monday-Tuesday turnaround every week. I think sometimes I will only be at peace when I am dead and this whole environment is giving me a fast track to premature oblivion.

At home, I'm in a constant struggle with chores and free time. It's all just piling up on me because I am utterly fried from my day spent at the office. I can't do this alone. I'm so scared because I am on a knife's edge and I feel myself beginning to slip. I do not want to even go home at times. It's a testament to my failures, frustrations and weaknesses. I'm so fucking broken and there's no way to piece me back together right now. All of my sanctuaries are disappearing and there's no place to find serenity. I do not have all the answers; I cannot fix this. The answer is not plying me with drugs till I'm numb enough to be a good little doormat, that's for damn sure. This is not what I wanted for my life. I did not want to live each day, hating to get up because I'm not doing something I enjoy. Was this another mistake to add to the long list I've made over the years?

Tick Tick Tick

I just found that my 17 year old cousin in Tampa, Florida passed away suddenly in a car crash on Thursday morning. My beloved Aunt Sylvia called me this morning to break the awful news. She sounded so terrible; I could feel the pain in her words. Grandmas aren't supposed to be losing their grandchildren. His mom, dad, and sister are devastated as well. The whole family is.

He was a good kid with a serious passion for music. He was well liked by everybody.

R.I.P Travis K. Martin

I don't want to really talk about the details; it doesn't seem real. Here you will find a news article about it.

The Crash & Burn

So Pat and I's plan to save our last part time associate was in vain. I had a meeting with our absolutely worthless Director so he could "explain" why it wasn't allowed. He says because of the "budget". Well, I know how the budgets work and how positions are paid for. He didn't tell me anything that I didn't know. In fact, he danced completely around a specific reason why. I'm not stupid. I am observant of people and can tell when they're hiding something. Especially after my boss and I talked about it afterwards. What he stated did not make sense since there is a policy in the company where you can adjust your schedule to 32 hrs. a week.

I have never been so infuriated. I have never had to force myself physically to sit down. I was dangerously close to leaping out of my chair and letting him have it for being the out of touch, incompetent piece of crap that he is. He doesn't know how to do anybody's jobs in that building. He doesn't know how all these divisions work to keep the systems going. He knows the pretty, textbook definition but he doesn't know the roots. Not that he has been in the office very much over the last couple of months! And don't insult me by giving us a couple of Print & Distribution's part time staff because you cannot learn how our environment works in a month. The staff in those departments have ZERO technical expertise and do not know anything beyond the basics. Media Services is not just about tapes anymore. We've expanded into database and storage engineering. It would take them 6 months at least to understand how it all comes together. I know some of those people down there and have no confidence in their ability to work in their own department!!

I am positively manic, furious, and deeply depressed. I'm not sure if I should laugh at the absurdity of it, drive my fist into a wall, or kill myself. Why have I been working so hard for these corporate scum? Why have I been sacrificing my own sanity? Nobody is even noticing. Nobody is acknowledging. Those salaried bottom-feeders do not see outside of their offices and blackberries. They are never on the floor with their associates. They are never there. So I didn't feel exactly sorry when I told him that if this doesn't work out, causing grief in my household then I will have to seek employment elsewhere.

Pat will most likely leave now. She has a meeting with the smarmy bastard on Monday and will find out. Pat does not have my restraint. Pat has nothing to lose. Pat is going to go ballistic. I hope she does.

In closing, don't work for Marriott International. They are just as crooked as every other other company out there. Do not believe for a second all the PR about being a friendly place. It's just as susceptible to nepotism and stupidity like everywhere else. There are some good people who work for them but the people in charge suck.

I cannot handle a crazy schedule or rotating schedules. I will not give up my entire weekend. I want to see my husband, friends, and family. Just because I'm not some breeder doesn't mean my personal life isn't important.

I think I see a change in my productivity coming.

EDIT: (Friday, 6/5/09) Pat called today for me to do her payroll. I wasn't going to let her get blindsided on Monday when she has her meeting so I told her. Naturally, she hit the roof and I've never heard that much yelling on the phone before. I made her promise to call me on Monday afterward.