I dreamt Andy and I were in an open relationdhip last night. "Open" meaning that he found it acceptable to be with other people while I was utterly opposed to it. I saw him kiss another a girl in my dream; kiss her and hold her like when he is with me. I physically turned my head in the dream to not see anymore because it felt like somebody had just crushed my heart in their fist. I thought I was going to be sick.
I woke up on the brink of tears this morning, my insecurities rearing their ugly head. My poor husband being stuck with me and my psychosis. I was pretty much late for work this morning because I laid cuddled up with him, trying to wipe away the soul-crushing dream that had infected my brain.
So I must reiterate NIGHTMARES FOR THE LOSE!
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Ennui
So the saga of my crapfest job continues. I've already worked myself into an awesome migraine and it is only 9 :00 AM. I'm having a very hard time picturing myself staying here in the long term. I thought if I'd let my anger cool off, I'd feel better about the situation at my job. The first bit of crazy scheduling goes into play in a couple of weeks where it looks like I may have to work some 12 hr. shifts that start at 3 am till 3:30 pm. I don't give a crap about overtime; I really don't. I refuse to be doing this every single time somebody goes on vacation. I will not suffer for their mistakes. My normal schedule is already hell on my body with my Monday-Tuesday turnaround every week. I think sometimes I will only be at peace when I am dead and this whole environment is giving me a fast track to premature oblivion.
At home, I'm in a constant struggle with chores and free time. It's all just piling up on me because I am utterly fried from my day spent at the office. I can't do this alone. I'm so scared because I am on a knife's edge and I feel myself beginning to slip. I do not want to even go home at times. It's a testament to my failures, frustrations and weaknesses. I'm so fucking broken and there's no way to piece me back together right now. All of my sanctuaries are disappearing and there's no place to find serenity. I do not have all the answers; I cannot fix this. The answer is not plying me with drugs till I'm numb enough to be a good little doormat, that's for damn sure. This is not what I wanted for my life. I did not want to live each day, hating to get up because I'm not doing something I enjoy. Was this another mistake to add to the long list I've made over the years?
At home, I'm in a constant struggle with chores and free time. It's all just piling up on me because I am utterly fried from my day spent at the office. I can't do this alone. I'm so scared because I am on a knife's edge and I feel myself beginning to slip. I do not want to even go home at times. It's a testament to my failures, frustrations and weaknesses. I'm so fucking broken and there's no way to piece me back together right now. All of my sanctuaries are disappearing and there's no place to find serenity. I do not have all the answers; I cannot fix this. The answer is not plying me with drugs till I'm numb enough to be a good little doormat, that's for damn sure. This is not what I wanted for my life. I did not want to live each day, hating to get up because I'm not doing something I enjoy. Was this another mistake to add to the long list I've made over the years?
Saturday, June 6, 2009
Tick Tick Tick
I just found that my 17 year old cousin in Tampa, Florida passed away suddenly in a car crash on Thursday morning. My beloved Aunt Sylvia called me this morning to break the awful news. She sounded so terrible; I could feel the pain in her words. Grandmas aren't supposed to be losing their grandchildren. His mom, dad, and sister are devastated as well. The whole family is.
He was a good kid with a serious passion for music. He was well liked by everybody.
R.I.P Travis K. Martin
I don't want to really talk about the details; it doesn't seem real. Here you will find a news article about it.
He was a good kid with a serious passion for music. He was well liked by everybody.
R.I.P Travis K. Martin
I don't want to really talk about the details; it doesn't seem real. Here you will find a news article about it.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
The Crash & Burn
So Pat and I's plan to save our last part time associate was in vain. I had a meeting with our absolutely worthless Director so he could "explain" why it wasn't allowed. He says because of the "budget". Well, I know how the budgets work and how positions are paid for. He didn't tell me anything that I didn't know. In fact, he danced completely around a specific reason why. I'm not stupid. I am observant of people and can tell when they're hiding something. Especially after my boss and I talked about it afterwards. What he stated did not make sense since there is a policy in the company where you can adjust your schedule to 32 hrs. a week.
I have never been so infuriated. I have never had to force myself physically to sit down. I was dangerously close to leaping out of my chair and letting him have it for being the out of touch, incompetent piece of crap that he is. He doesn't know how to do anybody's jobs in that building. He doesn't know how all these divisions work to keep the systems going. He knows the pretty, textbook definition but he doesn't know the roots. Not that he has been in the office very much over the last couple of months! And don't insult me by giving us a couple of Print & Distribution's part time staff because you cannot learn how our environment works in a month. The staff in those departments have ZERO technical expertise and do not know anything beyond the basics. Media Services is not just about tapes anymore. We've expanded into database and storage engineering. It would take them 6 months at least to understand how it all comes together. I know some of those people down there and have no confidence in their ability to work in their own department!!
I am positively manic, furious, and deeply depressed. I'm not sure if I should laugh at the absurdity of it, drive my fist into a wall, or kill myself. Why have I been working so hard for these corporate scum? Why have I been sacrificing my own sanity? Nobody is even noticing. Nobody is acknowledging. Those salaried bottom-feeders do not see outside of their offices and blackberries. They are never on the floor with their associates. They are never there. So I didn't feel exactly sorry when I told him that if this doesn't work out, causing grief in my household then I will have to seek employment elsewhere.
Pat will most likely leave now. She has a meeting with the smarmy bastard on Monday and will find out. Pat does not have my restraint. Pat has nothing to lose. Pat is going to go ballistic. I hope she does.
In closing, don't work for Marriott International. They are just as crooked as every other other company out there. Do not believe for a second all the PR about being a friendly place. It's just as susceptible to nepotism and stupidity like everywhere else. There are some good people who work for them but the people in charge suck.
I cannot handle a crazy schedule or rotating schedules. I will not give up my entire weekend. I want to see my husband, friends, and family. Just because I'm not some breeder doesn't mean my personal life isn't important.
I think I see a change in my productivity coming.
EDIT: (Friday, 6/5/09) Pat called today for me to do her payroll. I wasn't going to let her get blindsided on Monday when she has her meeting so I told her. Naturally, she hit the roof and I've never heard that much yelling on the phone before. I made her promise to call me on Monday afterward.
I have never been so infuriated. I have never had to force myself physically to sit down. I was dangerously close to leaping out of my chair and letting him have it for being the out of touch, incompetent piece of crap that he is. He doesn't know how to do anybody's jobs in that building. He doesn't know how all these divisions work to keep the systems going. He knows the pretty, textbook definition but he doesn't know the roots. Not that he has been in the office very much over the last couple of months! And don't insult me by giving us a couple of Print & Distribution's part time staff because you cannot learn how our environment works in a month. The staff in those departments have ZERO technical expertise and do not know anything beyond the basics. Media Services is not just about tapes anymore. We've expanded into database and storage engineering. It would take them 6 months at least to understand how it all comes together. I know some of those people down there and have no confidence in their ability to work in their own department!!
I am positively manic, furious, and deeply depressed. I'm not sure if I should laugh at the absurdity of it, drive my fist into a wall, or kill myself. Why have I been working so hard for these corporate scum? Why have I been sacrificing my own sanity? Nobody is even noticing. Nobody is acknowledging. Those salaried bottom-feeders do not see outside of their offices and blackberries. They are never on the floor with their associates. They are never there. So I didn't feel exactly sorry when I told him that if this doesn't work out, causing grief in my household then I will have to seek employment elsewhere.
Pat will most likely leave now. She has a meeting with the smarmy bastard on Monday and will find out. Pat does not have my restraint. Pat has nothing to lose. Pat is going to go ballistic. I hope she does.
In closing, don't work for Marriott International. They are just as crooked as every other other company out there. Do not believe for a second all the PR about being a friendly place. It's just as susceptible to nepotism and stupidity like everywhere else. There are some good people who work for them but the people in charge suck.
I cannot handle a crazy schedule or rotating schedules. I will not give up my entire weekend. I want to see my husband, friends, and family. Just because I'm not some breeder doesn't mean my personal life isn't important.
I think I see a change in my productivity coming.
EDIT: (Friday, 6/5/09) Pat called today for me to do her payroll. I wasn't going to let her get blindsided on Monday when she has her meeting so I told her. Naturally, she hit the roof and I've never heard that much yelling on the phone before. I made her promise to call me on Monday afterward.
Monday, May 18, 2009
Another day, another piece dies..
Another bad day. Another day at the job that is sucking away what little sanity and peace I have left. It's getting harder and harder to push away the perpetual despair and grim thought processes. I'm on the edge.
There's been a couple of layoffs at my job and the schedule is in a state of flux after June 26. It's only going to get more stressful without proper support. I think this move was a mistake and may have screwed my department in the future.
I can't leave my job stress at my job because everything is so uncertain.
There's been a couple of layoffs at my job and the schedule is in a state of flux after June 26. It's only going to get more stressful without proper support. I think this move was a mistake and may have screwed my department in the future.
I can't leave my job stress at my job because everything is so uncertain.
Friday, May 8, 2009
The Gamer's Lament
"Why Fanboys and Fangirls Need To Get More Sun"
I generally don't make long winded posts about games. However, Shaun has been bombarding me with his discontent over the lack of downloadable content for Fallout 3 on the PS3. (Please note, that I also have it for my Ps3.) He makes the mistake of searching message boards for accurate information. These forums of mouth-breathers tend to be nothing more then Sony and Microsoft fanboys/fangirls arguing. A legit opinion suddenly gets twisted into a "Sony sucks, so you should have got a 360 hur hur hur" discussion. I know, such an intelligent observation.
Honestly it is bothersome that this content is only available on the PC and 360 platforms. But I knew that from the beginning. I am unhappy with what Bethesda did however Microsoft showed them the money, you know? (Mind you, I find it worse that they can offer millions of dollars to video game developers but then layoff a couple thousand staff? Then try to take their severance packages because it's too much money? I have no kindness for Microsoft.) It does set another terrible example of where these rival companies can toss around enough money to screw over their consumers. It's a not so gentle way of saying "Hey! Buy a 360 so you can play this awesome content that is EXCLUSIVE!" and that is what Microsoft wants you to do. It's not just about the customer who already has the core game. It's always been about the all mighty dollar when it comes to the companies. I made the decision to not purchase an Xbox 360 because of the game selection. I have always had Sony products and unlike other people I've read about, I have never had a problem. Also, the games I do enjoy were offered on my platform of choice.
For my own posterity, I decided to take a look at a list of the decent games 360 has to offer as a potential buyer. So let's see what some of my options are:
1. Halo 3 - DO NOT WANT!
2. Gears of War 2 - DO NOT WANT!
3. Call of Duty: World At War - DO NOT WANT!
4. Far Cry 2 - DO NOT WANT!
5. Resident Evil 5 - PS3 Version
6. Dead Space - PS3 Version
7. Fallout 3 - PS3 Version
8. Fable 2 - Maybe
9. Left 4 Dead - Maybe
10. Devil May Cry 4 - Ps3 Version
And no matter how appealing Fable 2 is to me, I'd never plunk down hundreds of dollars on a system for a few titles of interest. If the game is available already on another platform that I own, I am going to go with what is economically sound to my enjoyment. It does suck that video game developers and companies can toy with their customer base in such a way when it comes to exclusive titles and content but that is business for them. They want their fanboys and fangirls to go on the attack and argue their point. It's the best PR and advertising they can receive, especially since it is free.
Switching gears, Microsoft's exclusive agreement is only for the first 3 content packs which means "Broken Steel" will be the last they get first dibs on. This agreement also expired three days ago. There is a rumored 4th content patch called "Point Lookout" however that would not be bound by an exclusive agreement as it stands now. Who knows? It is all speculation as the official word from the honcho of Bethesda is that there will be no more downloadable content for Fallout 3.
Now time for an aspirin because reading that many typos and grammatical errors can be taxing. I swear, just because you are on the internet doesn't mean you get to be lazy. The gamers on some of those forums are just as bad as teens on myspace.
I generally don't make long winded posts about games. However, Shaun has been bombarding me with his discontent over the lack of downloadable content for Fallout 3 on the PS3. (Please note, that I also have it for my Ps3.) He makes the mistake of searching message boards for accurate information. These forums of mouth-breathers tend to be nothing more then Sony and Microsoft fanboys/fangirls arguing. A legit opinion suddenly gets twisted into a "Sony sucks, so you should have got a 360 hur hur hur" discussion. I know, such an intelligent observation.
Honestly it is bothersome that this content is only available on the PC and 360 platforms. But I knew that from the beginning. I am unhappy with what Bethesda did however Microsoft showed them the money, you know? (Mind you, I find it worse that they can offer millions of dollars to video game developers but then layoff a couple thousand staff? Then try to take their severance packages because it's too much money? I have no kindness for Microsoft.) It does set another terrible example of where these rival companies can toss around enough money to screw over their consumers. It's a not so gentle way of saying "Hey! Buy a 360 so you can play this awesome content that is EXCLUSIVE!" and that is what Microsoft wants you to do. It's not just about the customer who already has the core game. It's always been about the all mighty dollar when it comes to the companies. I made the decision to not purchase an Xbox 360 because of the game selection. I have always had Sony products and unlike other people I've read about, I have never had a problem. Also, the games I do enjoy were offered on my platform of choice.
For my own posterity, I decided to take a look at a list of the decent games 360 has to offer as a potential buyer. So let's see what some of my options are:
1. Halo 3 - DO NOT WANT!
2. Gears of War 2 - DO NOT WANT!
3. Call of Duty: World At War - DO NOT WANT!
4. Far Cry 2 - DO NOT WANT!
5. Resident Evil 5 - PS3 Version
6. Dead Space - PS3 Version
7. Fallout 3 - PS3 Version
8. Fable 2 - Maybe
9. Left 4 Dead - Maybe
10. Devil May Cry 4 - Ps3 Version
And no matter how appealing Fable 2 is to me, I'd never plunk down hundreds of dollars on a system for a few titles of interest. If the game is available already on another platform that I own, I am going to go with what is economically sound to my enjoyment. It does suck that video game developers and companies can toy with their customer base in such a way when it comes to exclusive titles and content but that is business for them. They want their fanboys and fangirls to go on the attack and argue their point. It's the best PR and advertising they can receive, especially since it is free.
Switching gears, Microsoft's exclusive agreement is only for the first 3 content packs which means "Broken Steel" will be the last they get first dibs on. This agreement also expired three days ago. There is a rumored 4th content patch called "Point Lookout" however that would not be bound by an exclusive agreement as it stands now. Who knows? It is all speculation as the official word from the honcho of Bethesda is that there will be no more downloadable content for Fallout 3.
Now time for an aspirin because reading that many typos and grammatical errors can be taxing. I swear, just because you are on the internet doesn't mean you get to be lazy. The gamers on some of those forums are just as bad as teens on myspace.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
Extraordinary
As a general rule of thumb, I stay away from most forms reality tv in the US and overseas. But yesterday, I kept coming across this story from "Britain's Got Talent" about a forty seven year old spinster with an incredible voice that surprised everybody. Curiosity got the better of me so I went to YouTube to see what the fuss was all about. (I tried to embed it but it looks like everybody whom posted the footage had it disabled by request. Naughty BBC.) Her name is Susan Boyle and she sings "I Dreamed A Dream" from Les Miserables.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk
Speechless, seriously. Such a big, bold voice coming out of this matronly lady. I could feel the tears welling up as I listened to her sing. Why oh why hasn't this woman been in theatre? Why hasn't she tried acting lessons to help out too? That is a voice made for opera and dramatic musicals. I was so happy for her.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RxPZh4AnWyk
Speechless, seriously. Such a big, bold voice coming out of this matronly lady. I could feel the tears welling up as I listened to her sing. Why oh why hasn't this woman been in theatre? Why hasn't she tried acting lessons to help out too? That is a voice made for opera and dramatic musicals. I was so happy for her.
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