Ennui

So the saga of my crapfest job continues. I've already worked myself into an awesome migraine and it is only 9 :00 AM. I'm having a very hard time picturing myself staying here in the long term. I thought if I'd let my anger cool off, I'd feel better about the situation at my job. The first bit of crazy scheduling goes into play in a couple of weeks where it looks like I may have to work some 12 hr. shifts that start at 3 am till 3:30 pm. I don't give a crap about overtime; I really don't. I refuse to be doing this every single time somebody goes on vacation. I will not suffer for their mistakes. My normal schedule is already hell on my body with my Monday-Tuesday turnaround every week. I think sometimes I will only be at peace when I am dead and this whole environment is giving me a fast track to premature oblivion.

At home, I'm in a constant struggle with chores and free time. It's all just piling up on me because I am utterly fried from my day spent at the office. I can't do this alone. I'm so scared because I am on a knife's edge and I feel myself beginning to slip. I do not want to even go home at times. It's a testament to my failures, frustrations and weaknesses. I'm so fucking broken and there's no way to piece me back together right now. All of my sanctuaries are disappearing and there's no place to find serenity. I do not have all the answers; I cannot fix this. The answer is not plying me with drugs till I'm numb enough to be a good little doormat, that's for damn sure. This is not what I wanted for my life. I did not want to live each day, hating to get up because I'm not doing something I enjoy. Was this another mistake to add to the long list I've made over the years?