It's 2:30 am and all I hear right now is the roar of the wind outside behind the velvety voice of Imogen Heap drifting out of the speakers. Lately I marvel at how far I've come in my life. I am pleasantly surprised by a lot of things lately. I try not to think of what I've missed because I am moving ever forward. In the darkest corners of my mind rest the old scars and painful memories. However, they are so far away now. They do not ache so much if they cross my mind. It took so long for me to realize how big the world is and how insignificant the rest can be.
The older I get, the less tolerance I have for folks who rub me the wrong way. What I mean to say is, I do not waste my compassion, time, and energy on people who would take advantage of me in any shape or form. I maybe a quiet sort of girl but I am always observing others. I like to watch people period. I connect the dots with everything I observe. I'd like to think I've been touched with a bit of preternatural intuition. That is to say I try not to past judgment hastily. (To say I do not judge people would be a lie because that is one of the most human of flaws.) I can be unkind. I have severed friendships in the past. I severed all ties with my ex-boyfriends promptly after the dissolution of their respective relationships. But it was all done from sound judgment and knowing what was best for me as a person. I used to be a doormat for others once upon a time, always giving the benefit of the doubt and not listening to my instincts. I haven't stopped looking for the good in people though. I'm just much more guarded and calculating till I find that I can open up the trust.
Well Sonic has commandeered my space because clearly I am not paying enough attention to him. I guess that is all for tonight. As soon as I can sneak away from this cat, I'll make up that Black Bean Salad so it can chill all day before dinner. (It's a recipe Mama Jo has. So delish and I do recommend.)
Thursday, February 11, 2010
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The Geisha
I finished this piece last year sometime but have yet to wash and frame it. It was my first cross stitch project ever. I thought it turned out well. My plan is to frame it and hang it my living room. Forgive these awful webcam pics but, I didn't feel like running all over the apartment to find the perfect light with the proper camera.
Friday, October 2, 2009
Half Life
It’s exhausting putting on smiles when all you want to do is curl up in a dark place. I could barely keep it together when we pulled up at the office this morning. I felt the tears brewing behind my eyes and all I wanted to do was sob. I know Andy feels helpless and I try to keep the despair from him. Sometimes I can keep it away from him and suppress the sadness into the furthest corners of my mind. But lately I just cannot push it away. Part of me just wants to sink into the infinite blackness of it and not return so I don’t have to see that look in Andy’s eyes when he feels helpless. Or so I don’t have to hear the raised concern in my brother’s voice, knowing he has shared my grief with my parents and their own inability to really help. I don’t want my pain to be their pain.
This should be a happy time. Autumn is my favorite season. After all it has my favorite Sabbat, Samhain. I should have had time to head to the Renaissance Festival but, due to the craziness that is my horrible job, I will miss out on it again this year. I will also miss out on one of my other favorite seasonal events, Frederick’s “In The Streets” because of my job. I should be lucky I managed to not miss Octoberfest this year of the Frederick Fair. I’m not a “Summer” kind of person, I’m not into a lot of those kind of events so I didn’t care if I worked too much then. I just hate hearing people say “There’s always next year” because “next year” is never guaranteed. Hell, tomorrow is not guaranteed. I’ve experienced too much in the way of sudden deaths this year to take much for granted just to cater to a faceless company that only cares about the bottom line and how much I can be exploited to further the green lining their pockets.
I see it now in my family. I see the years catching up to them, I can fully grasp that they are middle aged. I am nearly the age my mother was when she gave birth to my brother, if that is any kind of perspective for people out there. My baby brother is no longer a baby by any standards, he is turning 20. He’s an adult with a child’s innocence because he simply cannot handle dealing with the outside world. I love my family more than words can express and the people I love are perhaps my greatest weakness because I would suffer the most terrible torment for those I love. Of course that sentiment extends to my own little family that consists of my darling husband too. (I’d probably do anything for my sweet kitty-faces too. Kaylee and Sonic are my little loves no matter how many hairballs I find deposited around my house.)
I see my world changing. I see society breaking down and I wonder if this is what Rome was like as it collapsed. People wielding their religious beliefs like a weapon, slaughtering each other in the name of god and their so called “true” way. People using their religion as a tool to manipulate and dictate to the masses, to steal freedom and close minds to a changing world. Fractured countries impose their corrupt democracy on others where life was already on a knife’s edge. There’s so much banality and little good left in anything. Is there anything left pure? From where I am standing, I say no. I am gifted or cursed to see things from all angles.
I am incredibly melancholy but I guess I will just continue to wear my smile till I can’t anymore.
This should be a happy time. Autumn is my favorite season. After all it has my favorite Sabbat, Samhain. I should have had time to head to the Renaissance Festival but, due to the craziness that is my horrible job, I will miss out on it again this year. I will also miss out on one of my other favorite seasonal events, Frederick’s “In The Streets” because of my job. I should be lucky I managed to not miss Octoberfest this year of the Frederick Fair. I’m not a “Summer” kind of person, I’m not into a lot of those kind of events so I didn’t care if I worked too much then. I just hate hearing people say “There’s always next year” because “next year” is never guaranteed. Hell, tomorrow is not guaranteed. I’ve experienced too much in the way of sudden deaths this year to take much for granted just to cater to a faceless company that only cares about the bottom line and how much I can be exploited to further the green lining their pockets.
I see it now in my family. I see the years catching up to them, I can fully grasp that they are middle aged. I am nearly the age my mother was when she gave birth to my brother, if that is any kind of perspective for people out there. My baby brother is no longer a baby by any standards, he is turning 20. He’s an adult with a child’s innocence because he simply cannot handle dealing with the outside world. I love my family more than words can express and the people I love are perhaps my greatest weakness because I would suffer the most terrible torment for those I love. Of course that sentiment extends to my own little family that consists of my darling husband too. (I’d probably do anything for my sweet kitty-faces too. Kaylee and Sonic are my little loves no matter how many hairballs I find deposited around my house.)
I see my world changing. I see society breaking down and I wonder if this is what Rome was like as it collapsed. People wielding their religious beliefs like a weapon, slaughtering each other in the name of god and their so called “true” way. People using their religion as a tool to manipulate and dictate to the masses, to steal freedom and close minds to a changing world. Fractured countries impose their corrupt democracy on others where life was already on a knife’s edge. There’s so much banality and little good left in anything. Is there anything left pure? From where I am standing, I say no. I am gifted or cursed to see things from all angles.
I am incredibly melancholy but I guess I will just continue to wear my smile till I can’t anymore.
Sunday, August 23, 2009
Joygasm
I was puttering around online, letting curiosity take me where it may. By a twist of fate, I ended up at the Kennedy Center and Academy of Music websites. Guess what I found?
The Kennedy Center (Washington, DC)
A Streetcar Named Desire
Starring CATE BLANCHETT (gasp!) as Blanche DuBois. I nearly bounced out of my office chair.
Oct. 29, 2009-Nov. 21, 2009
The Academy of Music (Philadelphia, PA)
Chicago
Starring Jerry Springer as Billy Flynn which perplexes and fascinates me all in one motion. I adore Chicago but I don't know about this..
Sept. 15, 2009 - Sept. 20, 2009
Mamma Mia!
So I totally squealed when I read this.
Nov. 3, 2009 - Nov. 8, 2009
Wicked
I made the "Oh" face when I read this one.
Jan 6, 2010 - Jan. 24, 2010
I must go to at least 2 of these shows so I shall feel complete.
The Kennedy Center (Washington, DC)
A Streetcar Named Desire
Starring CATE BLANCHETT (gasp!) as Blanche DuBois. I nearly bounced out of my office chair.
Oct. 29, 2009-Nov. 21, 2009
The Academy of Music (Philadelphia, PA)
Chicago
Starring Jerry Springer as Billy Flynn which perplexes and fascinates me all in one motion. I adore Chicago but I don't know about this..
Sept. 15, 2009 - Sept. 20, 2009
Mamma Mia!
So I totally squealed when I read this.
Nov. 3, 2009 - Nov. 8, 2009
Wicked
I made the "Oh" face when I read this one.
Jan 6, 2010 - Jan. 24, 2010
I must go to at least 2 of these shows so I shall feel complete.
Tuesday, July 21, 2009
Sensory Overload
I'm not doing well. (Which is probably no surprise to some who read this.) I'm trying my best to find a job somewhere else, I've already sent out a few applications and resumes. Today is not a good day for me in regards to how I feel though. I am detached and melancholy. There's just too much for me to handle mentally right now. Do you know how hard it is for me to drag myself out of bed everyday, knowing I have to go into the office? I'm ashamed that all I want to do is disappear and not wake up again. It is so selfish and cruel of me. I know there would be those grieved at my loss. All the time I'm spending on trying to find a job seems like it is all in vain and that I will never get away from this current employment situation.
I used to like my job. I was nearly considering being here for the long haul till I didn't need to work at all anymore. I was working so hard with the Data Integrity group on expanding the scope of our jobs while keeping it relevant to data and storage. Yet now upper management is forcing us to answer the phone for Tier One Operations and open their bloody trouble tickets. I have never elicited a desire to answer phones most of the day for a living and be utterly used by 'the-powers-that-be'. What if I told you I worked a 15 hr. shift recently? What if I told you a worked a pair of 12 hr. shifts over the weekend? This is all fallout of ignorant management that did not listen to its staff who work the floor everyday. These are the fruits of keeping a full time associate who is not flexible and has zero consideration for what it means to be apart of a team. Again, management is giving us lip service and spouting their nonsensical ideas to remedy the situation. They expect us to be able to have the Print and Distribution team's part time staff fill in whe nwe need it. The failing in this plot is the fact that their director whom I will affectionately call the 'The Hag' will not spare them but a day or so a week. Clearly, more training time is necessary so that the information stays with them. Of course that does not address real issue which is will they remember how to do it when time comes for them to fill in on a shift alone in the future? What the T1 Director hasn't taken into consideration is the fact that the P&D team's part timers are not flexible either as most of them already work a full time job or can only work so many hours for various reasons. In the end, this will not work which is why I am trying to get out of here before the major catastrophe happens. All events are leading to something unpleasant and I do not want to be the one left to pick up the pieces. Again.
To add fecal frosting to my manure cupcake, my grandmother had heart surgery the day I was stuck working a 15 hr. shift and I've been working everyday since then, swapping between 8 hr. and 12 hr. shifts. Dad spoke to her and my Aunt Sylvia yesterday. He related to me that she is not doing very well with recovery because of being 79 years old. She's over an hour and a half away in a hospital and we do not know when she will come home. When she does come home, plans will be put into motion that will lead to her eventual permanent relocation to Florida with my Aunt Sylvia. I'm not sure how I feel about this completely. On one hand, I am glad she will have someone with her most of the time but would that mean we would see even less of Sylvia now?
I don't think the clouds will go away, they're just getting darker and thicker. Perhaps I am just a fool in the end; a fool the dared to dream of something better and a life where troubles could be solved.
I used to like my job. I was nearly considering being here for the long haul till I didn't need to work at all anymore. I was working so hard with the Data Integrity group on expanding the scope of our jobs while keeping it relevant to data and storage. Yet now upper management is forcing us to answer the phone for Tier One Operations and open their bloody trouble tickets. I have never elicited a desire to answer phones most of the day for a living and be utterly used by 'the-powers-that-be'. What if I told you I worked a 15 hr. shift recently? What if I told you a worked a pair of 12 hr. shifts over the weekend? This is all fallout of ignorant management that did not listen to its staff who work the floor everyday. These are the fruits of keeping a full time associate who is not flexible and has zero consideration for what it means to be apart of a team. Again, management is giving us lip service and spouting their nonsensical ideas to remedy the situation. They expect us to be able to have the Print and Distribution team's part time staff fill in whe nwe need it. The failing in this plot is the fact that their director whom I will affectionately call the 'The Hag' will not spare them but a day or so a week. Clearly, more training time is necessary so that the information stays with them. Of course that does not address real issue which is will they remember how to do it when time comes for them to fill in on a shift alone in the future? What the T1 Director hasn't taken into consideration is the fact that the P&D team's part timers are not flexible either as most of them already work a full time job or can only work so many hours for various reasons. In the end, this will not work which is why I am trying to get out of here before the major catastrophe happens. All events are leading to something unpleasant and I do not want to be the one left to pick up the pieces. Again.
To add fecal frosting to my manure cupcake, my grandmother had heart surgery the day I was stuck working a 15 hr. shift and I've been working everyday since then, swapping between 8 hr. and 12 hr. shifts. Dad spoke to her and my Aunt Sylvia yesterday. He related to me that she is not doing very well with recovery because of being 79 years old. She's over an hour and a half away in a hospital and we do not know when she will come home. When she does come home, plans will be put into motion that will lead to her eventual permanent relocation to Florida with my Aunt Sylvia. I'm not sure how I feel about this completely. On one hand, I am glad she will have someone with her most of the time but would that mean we would see even less of Sylvia now?
I don't think the clouds will go away, they're just getting darker and thicker. Perhaps I am just a fool in the end; a fool the dared to dream of something better and a life where troubles could be solved.
Friday, July 17, 2009
Dead
I have nothing left to give. My heart is crushed and I've stopped caring period. When I get up everyday I work, I cry. When I lie down at night, I cry. When I come home and crawl into bed, I cry. I hate my job more then a person should but it is justified. I'm working all kinds of crazy hours now which means no real sleep. And no days off till the end of next week. Naturally my boss is useless on all fronts. They ask too much of me and they see bothing wrong with that. I'm definitely feeling it physically.
I want to quit so badly but I bear the burden of our bills. Finding a new job, is proving to be very hard too. I'm stretched too thin and snapping like a worn rubber band. It taints every aspect of my life because I know there's no resolution in sight. I will always be expected to drop what I'm doing and fill in wherever, even if it's a +12 hr. shift. I am stuck at this nightmare indefinitely because we cannot afford a period without a paycheck.
I'm bitter, angry, and deeply depressed. I know I'm shutting down and growing despondant however, the sad part is that I really don't care. I see no light at the end of the tunnel; it's too far away. Too far for me to travel...
I think I finally understand how people simply die from tremendous sadness or grief.
I want to quit so badly but I bear the burden of our bills. Finding a new job, is proving to be very hard too. I'm stretched too thin and snapping like a worn rubber band. It taints every aspect of my life because I know there's no resolution in sight. I will always be expected to drop what I'm doing and fill in wherever, even if it's a +12 hr. shift. I am stuck at this nightmare indefinitely because we cannot afford a period without a paycheck.
I'm bitter, angry, and deeply depressed. I know I'm shutting down and growing despondant however, the sad part is that I really don't care. I see no light at the end of the tunnel; it's too far away. Too far for me to travel...
I think I finally understand how people simply die from tremendous sadness or grief.
Untitled
"Dying is an art, like everything else. I do it exceptionally well. I do it so it feels like hell. I do it so it feels real. I guess you could say I've a call. "
-Sylvia Plath
-Sylvia Plath
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